update

I thought that I would give an update as to what G-d has been doing in my life as of late as Crusoe is giving me a back massage (it is quite nice).

So, to start out with, as camp was ending I found myself in a little bit of a tight spot. I was without a job, without a car, and without a phone. Those are three things that one needs to be a fully functioning member of American society. Even though I found myself in this tight spot I had faith that if G-d wanted me to stay here at SDSU, He would provide. And did he ever. Within one week of camp ending He provided all three. I found a '98 Camry on Craigslist in perfect condition, my friend Zach gave me a fully functioning LG phone, and my sister got me a job a Chronic Smoothie in Pacific Beach. He is faithful and good. Also, I moved into the new ΑΓΩ house which is straight up legit. I live in The Observatory with Crusoe and Speedo. I will have to post pictures pictures later.

I started school this past week. I consolidated all of my classes to just Tuesday and Thursday. It enabled me to work more. And also, considering all the cuts that the CSU system has been making to the school, I was very fortunate to get all the classes I needed without crashing. Once again, G-d has been faithful.

This past weekend was Active Retreat. Exec actually put on a very good retreat. We went and visited Alpha chapter at UCLA. It was awesome. Thank you Guysmiley and The One for all of your hospitality! It was especially awesome because I have never met anyone from Alpha before that point.

So, that is about it.

letting go

Ok, so this might come as a surprise to many but I am not going to Germany. Do not worry, nothing happened or changed, I just finally listened.

If you read the blog entry a couple entries down from this one [ http://ryancallihan.blogspot.com/2009/05/trepidation.html ] you would see that I have been struggling with the idea of being in Germany at this point. What I didn't add there was my struggle with my motives for wanting to go. When it came down to it the reason I wanted to go was that I really wanted to go. That in itself is not a bad reason to go. But there were reasons for wanting to go that were not good. They were at the back of my mind and I did not want to admit that they were there. I will get onto that later on.

So, about 4 weeks G-d was really speaking to me about giving up everything for Him and putting everything I am/have/want on the alter. I had to look within and see if I would be willing to give up everything if my Father called me to. Some things are a little easier to give up for me. Things like relationships, shame, jobs, and such. But some things would not be so easy. Would I give up my ideas and ideals, getting married someday, my comfort, my security if G-d called me to. Would I even be willing to give up my calling to Israel if that was the will of the Father?

Now, this does not mean that I am called to give up those things, but I just need to be able to to. The concept kept on coming up in my reading, in my conversations, in my talks with G-d, and in my mind.

Now, on the fourth of July, I had a long conversation with an old friend about some struggles in my life, sin, repentance, and my relationship with G-d. That conversation left me confused and discouraged, but I do not feel like getting into the detail about that right now. We also talked about my upcoming trip to Germany. From what I described to him he said that going to Germany would be detrimental to my walk with G-d.

For the next half a week I was wrestling with G-d about whether or not I could let go of going to Germany. I decided to talk to Festus about it. As we walked around the entire perimeter of camp I talked to him about the conversation I had. He cleared up a lot of things for me about repentance and grace. [I am being quite vague, I know, but I really don't want to go into the details of all that here. That is a different struggle that would take another blog to explain. If you want to know, just ask me]. When we got to the topic of my year abroad he told me that this entire struggle that I was having could be the Holy Spirit telling me not to go.

After that I went off by myself and talked aloud to G-d. I released my year abroad and put in on the alter. As I did, I felt enormous peace and have been feeling that peace since than.

In retrospect, I can see clearly what my hidden motives for wanting to go to Germany at this point in my life are. I wanted to run away. I wanted to run away from people who would keep me accountable to G-d, I wanted to run away from living a life that was above reproach, I wanted to run away from the pain of last semester. In my last blog entry [ http://ryancallihan.blogspot.com/2009/06/concluding-thoughts.html ] I talked about how painful last semester was for me. I can see clearly now that satan had a firm grasp on my heart during that time. There was a spiritual battle going on around me that I was losing. The reason I had such a bad semester was because I was not listening to the Holy Spirit, I gave into things I shouldn't have, I started to believe things that I shouldn't have.

After I put my year abroad onto the alter, all this became so clear to me. It is only now that the damage from last semester has been healed. Like I said, I have felt immense peace. My months of running from G-d are over.

So, what now?

Well, I am going to be moving back into ΑΓΩ. More specifically, I will be moving into ΑΓΩ's BRAND NEW HOUSE! Super exciting [Our Father is good]. And what's more, I am going to be sharing a room with my beloved pledge bro Crusoe. Also, I talked to Danny about serving at Thrive and he needs a small group leader for the sophomore boys since Kyle Harrell is getting married. I am super excited about that. Futhermore, I set up my schedule for next semester and I will only be having class on Tuesdays and Thursdays which leaves Mondays open for ΑΓΩ meetings and Wednesdays open for Thrive small group. Once again, G-d provides. So from here I just need to get a job, buy a car [I sold my Squareback to go to Germany haha], and make sure that I fill out all the resignation paperwork. Finally, I discovered that by not going to Germany I will be graduating at the end of spring 2010 instead of spring or fall 2011. So I will be saving about a year and a half of school and an obnoxious amount of money.

With all this said and done, my desire to live in Europe for awhile are not gone. I still very much want to go. Just today I got a welcome letter from the Universität Heidelberg with a map of the city. My flesh was a bit pained to see that, but I know that I have made the right decision.

So, that's that. This next semester is going to be amazing. And here's a picture of the house we are moving into....

concluding thoughts

It has been 2 weeks since I have moved back home from ΑΓΩ. It was a good semester but it could have been much better. I wasted so much time this semester. A large part of me wasting me semester was living at ΑΓΩ. Not that ΑΓΩ is a bad thing, but it was not so good for me to live there. My concluding thoughts of the semester are as follows:

To start with, it was a huge distraction to m

e. My grades were dismal this semester [C+, C, C, C-, F]. I was dumb and could have done more, but I didn't. The only thing I can do about that now is do better in the future... and course forgiveness.

Next, it was bad for me because it enabled me to be lazy. I was so lazy this semester. There are always people at ΑΓΩ, so there

is no "need" to leave to socialize. But there is not always necessarily something going on. So most of the semester I spent just sitting around at ΑΓΩ waiting for people to come around, who, when they got there, would sit around and wait for more people to come around. It's a vicious cycle. This time just sitting around with people could have been used for so much, but generally wasn't. Most of the time we would just sit around, talk about dumb things, goof off, or watch TV.

Basically my feelings about it are

that it was not all it was cracked up to be. Granted that is my fault. Living at ΑΓΩ is good for some people, but I am not one of them. I was lazy and because I sat around at ΑΓΩ most of the semester, I neglected many other friends who did not come around ΑΓΩ.

But like I said, I moved home two weeks ago, and it has been nice. I haven't even fully moved back in yet. Also, it has become apparent who I really got close with this semester. Out in El Cajon, I am fairly removed from most people and social activities so anyone who wants to talk to me or see me must go out of their way to do so. I have only really hung out with a handful of the people I spent many hours at ΑΓΩ with. And that's ok with me.

So, my conclusion is that I enjoyed the semester, but I do not think I would live at ΑΓΩ again. It's just not healthy for me.

I have enjoyed these past two weeks though. I have been taking it easy, just relaxing , catching up with people, and all that jazz. M

y time of relaxing is almost over though.

In about 4 days, staff training week at Indian Hills is starting up again. I am super excited. I was reading my old journals last night and saw just how much I have changed over the past 2 years. As I was reading, I was getting flashbacks of the past two summers. It was a reminder of why I love working there. I can't wait.

trepidation

Right now, it is 3:05 a.m. and I am restless and awake. I am just trying to account for all the funds that I have right now for Germany, and how I can get the rest. The total estimated cost of the trip is about $17700. And that is the minimum amount. So basically, I can just get by with that amount. As of right now, I have $16700, and that is if I get $2000 for my car (I hope I will).

$1000 away from the minimum goal is not too shabby. Praise God!

But it is not finances that have my full of worry and doubt. No, what has me awake is the spiritual battle that is going on around me right now. I am fearful about my relationship with God in the upcoming year, and satan knows that.

Here in San Diego, I am solid in my faith. I am in love with God. A lot of what keeps my grounded and in check with my relationship with my heavenly Father are the people around me. Whether it is at home, camp, ΑΓΩ, etc., I always have people around me that point me towards Him. San Diego is my spiritual terrarium. I am safe here and have people to keep me in check. I know how to be spiritual in San Diego.

But when I go to Germany, I will be cut off from anyone that I know. The accountability that I have here is San Diego will be completely and utterly gone. I will be left alone (armed with the Holy Spirit of course) in an extremely secular country. Germany is even more secular than the US. And with that secular nature comes many temptations.

Like I said, satan knows that. He knows how easy it would be for me to live for myself this next year, and he keeps on reminding me about that fact. To live for myself would be far easier than living for God. I can feel both satan and the Holy Spirit tugging at my heart. Actually it feels more like they have each chained opposing parts of my heart to monster trucks and are driving in opposite directions. I have never felt a spiritual battle so keenly.

I need to make the choice to trust God right now that he will provide for me. Marmot referred me a verse tonight. Romans 8:26, "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."

Please pray for me, that I would trust in God, and not in myself.

God>Me

skype!

Ok, so, while I am gone I won't really have a phone (at least one that I will use to call here with) and thus need a different mode of communication. Download Skype. If you don't know what Skype is, it's a fancy dancy free program that lets you talk to other people who have Skype. It can be video and audio chat, just audio or just video, or just text. So, if you love me, go to www.skype.com and click download. Make sure to search for me. I believe that I am under ryancallihan. If you don't find me just look up my email address ryancallihan@gmail.com.