trepidation

Right now, it is 3:05 a.m. and I am restless and awake. I am just trying to account for all the funds that I have right now for Germany, and how I can get the rest. The total estimated cost of the trip is about $17700. And that is the minimum amount. So basically, I can just get by with that amount. As of right now, I have $16700, and that is if I get $2000 for my car (I hope I will).

$1000 away from the minimum goal is not too shabby. Praise God!

But it is not finances that have my full of worry and doubt. No, what has me awake is the spiritual battle that is going on around me right now. I am fearful about my relationship with God in the upcoming year, and satan knows that.

Here in San Diego, I am solid in my faith. I am in love with God. A lot of what keeps my grounded and in check with my relationship with my heavenly Father are the people around me. Whether it is at home, camp, ΑΓΩ, etc., I always have people around me that point me towards Him. San Diego is my spiritual terrarium. I am safe here and have people to keep me in check. I know how to be spiritual in San Diego.

But when I go to Germany, I will be cut off from anyone that I know. The accountability that I have here is San Diego will be completely and utterly gone. I will be left alone (armed with the Holy Spirit of course) in an extremely secular country. Germany is even more secular than the US. And with that secular nature comes many temptations.

Like I said, satan knows that. He knows how easy it would be for me to live for myself this next year, and he keeps on reminding me about that fact. To live for myself would be far easier than living for God. I can feel both satan and the Holy Spirit tugging at my heart. Actually it feels more like they have each chained opposing parts of my heart to monster trucks and are driving in opposite directions. I have never felt a spiritual battle so keenly.

I need to make the choice to trust God right now that he will provide for me. Marmot referred me a verse tonight. Romans 8:26, "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."

Please pray for me, that I would trust in God, and not in myself.

God>Me